She said..

"I have dusted off the past.

 I don’t care about the future anymore. 

 And in this present moment there is absolute nothingness.

 This can’t be Nirvana. I am guessing that would have felt good.

 This blankness of purpose.

 The blandness of life.

 This state of ineffectuality.
 Oh dear, Oh dear, Oh dear.

 You see, I am also often out of words."

Damned

I’ll be damned

For I have sinned

Not once not twice

But many times since

You line up your guns

For my hands are raised

I am happy to take your bullets

Into my embrace

And that’s how I will end

If not in your arms

But at your hands

This will not be revenge or retribution nor malice

They will call it love. Deep. Heartfelt. Felt.
That will be my poetic justice.

Utopia?

"I'm afraid I love you so much I could stop breathing. And mostly I am afraid if anything was to ever happen to you or us, my heart would stop beating. I mean it."

Of limbs and you.

"So many retakes,

 So many heartaches,

 And yet I long for you - my soulmate.

 The source of all my tensions and headaches,

 I’d still give a limb to see you wake.

 So tell me what it takes…" 

------------------------------------------------------

 A limb won’t do,

 I need all of you.

 Just hold my hand and stay,

 Every morning, night and day.

 Because I’d rather go mad with you,

 Than be mad without you,

 To love and to suffer,

 Each other.
 To want one,

 In all the virtues and vices that they make,

 Maybe, that’s really all that it takes…

Aar Ya Paar

Chal aaj kuch khaas karte hain,

Na meri baat, Na teri baat rakhte hain.

Jodna bahot hua, 

Aaj kuch dil tod ke dekhte hain.

Pyaar mohaabat to theek hai,

Aaj kuch dushmani karke dekhte hain.

Saath chalna ho gaya bus,

Aaj kuch bichad kar dekhte hain.

Bahot ho gaya aansoo bahana,

Aaj kuch dukh dena seekhte hain.

Mere yaar aaj kuch khaas karte hain,

Chal aaj Aar Ya Paar karte hain.

The big fat lie

So he finally knew the answer. In fact the only way out. He was brilliant to have thought of it. It was the only way he could save himself. It was not redemption. It was cheating himself into it. But again, he had no choice. He had lied. The big fat lie. With the straightest face he had in himself. With the most nonchalant honesty he could feign. But he couldn't live with it. He would never be at peace. And he did not have the courage to come clean because it would mess up the one good thing that happened to him in life. He couldn't live with her shattered expression for the rest of his life. He was selfish. A selfish coward. So he took the option. Yes it pinched his morals a wee bit. But it was worth it. He created other reasons. So she would leave on her own. Reasons completely different from that one lie. He would fool himself into believing she had other reasons. And he would brilliantly escape the guilt. Like with all genius plots this one had a major flaw too. He was now lying to himself. And its a lie that's caught not once and not twice in your head but every single waking moment of your life. The big fat lie would have passed the baton.

OR so she thought. 
She had a vivid imagination, almost to the extent of being dangerous. Life is fucked up. She was a little more fucked up than that.

Just Because.

I will not say to you,

what needs to be said.

I will not belittle it,

with a clichéd whack job of some words,

spewed out like an unapologetic stamp,

of one’s feelings on another.

I will not betray it,

with the false security

of expectations.

I am not confused.

I am not out of words.

I just don’t know what to say or how.

Because what I want to say to you, has not been said before.

The Difference between quitting and letting go..

Spent

Till the sun pours

Out from the iron grills of my window

Onto your beautiful skin,

Till my heart dashes and races

And skips several beats before

it runs out of breath,

Till my eyes tire

And finally manage to leave

Your face,

Let me not miss one more bit of you

Let me be spent on you

And make a beautiful vulgar poetry out of this.

And repeat.

Note to self - Part 3

Some days you will find yourself talking back to that tired face in the mirror. When it will become difficult to believe that those red haunted eyes staring back are yours. And those days you will know that you have been tested. And that you are alone in this. And that's when you will know that in those testing times, you gotta have your own back. That you have to be the hero in your story. And that you will not wait to be saved. You will splash your face with ice cold water, and slap yourself back into reality. You will not fall into the trap of self destruction. You will not let anyone else destroy who you are. It is your own duty to clear the mess and be okay. You have no choice but to be okay. No one else can and will do it for you.

Nope.

I am clueless how we got here

Did we dodge all the bullets or am I dead?

Could I be crazy? - I fear

I could be hallucinating, I could be misled.

Did I not lose you in that maze?

Where we played hide and seek.

I remember your face as you slowly faded out in the haze.

And then it was all gone in smoke, in tears, all black and bleak.

So no, it cannot be,

Not after all that we went through,

I could not have been so lucky,

To have made it back to you.

Listen, Just Pinch me, Punch me, make me feel,

Till this pretty face hurts, and swells, and bleeds too.

So I can touch you and have you and know that it’s real

And maybe, I still won’t believe I found you.

Nope.  

Remember?

Remember how your face lit up

As we lay down looking at the sky

Like a million sparkles

Bubbling and glittering in your eye

I saw my reflection in each one of them

As you held my hand tight

You know it too - it was you and me

It wasn't just the fireworks that night.

Beginning of an end.

How do I begin

When we have reached the end

The part of me that was you

Its lying somewhere shattered

Into little pieces

Of our laughter

Of our tears

Of our  madness

Of our fears

So scattered

That they cannot be one again

This is our reality

A battered you, and a battered me

Trying hard to forget

Trying harder to remember

What it was like

When we began.

Fall

Scatterbrained,

Rather drained,

End game, unfeigned.

I let go of it all,

I hear you call,

You were right there, to break my fall.

Dew

If I could, I would take your scent,

with me, to everywhere I went.

Revel in it, Dwell in it,

Till it hits me dizzy,

Till the world drowns out in a fuzzy,

Into a town blanketed with crystal morning dew,

Where I can romance with the idea of you.

Note to self - Part 2

You will always make mistakes. You are human. But you would be stupid to make them again. As difficult as it is or might be to let of the ghost of the past, the ghost of the future, as scary as it may seem, is for yours to create and/or destroy. So, while you may be struggling with the sadness of leaving something or someone behind, remember that the train has left the station. Now, it’s for you to know where you get down. I want to make it sound poetic and dreamy, because in many ways, it is. It is what makes for interesting lives. It is what makes for experiences, struggles and rainbows. And maybe you haven’t found your rainbow yet because you have been looking at the wrong places. Widen your horizon. Open your eyes. Reach out. And Relax. Rediscover your equilibrium. Trust me, you’ll do just fine. And yes, it is easier said than done.

Vaccuum

Without you,

There is a place,

A warm lonely place,

That remains empty,

Somewhere,

I don’t know where,

I feel it, it’s there,

Like a gasp,
That leaves a vaccuum in the chest,

Since you left,

I wait for you,

To catch my breath again.

Mirror, Mirror...

So, you are not a reflection of me.

You are a person in a different body.

I know you inside out.

And that is why I have my doubt.

You see, what I say to you,

Your reply, I have already thought it through.

And in your head too, there are multiple iterations,

Well before we find ourselves in the situation.

It is a dangerous game we play,

But only if you met me half way.

When I can love you,

I can start loving me too.

Is that a smirk I see?

I know you have being studying me.

In all its abnormality,

You are my present, You are my reality.

So, My Dear Mirror Mirror on the wall,

How crazy are you and me,

If at all?

What is love?

“Love is a complicated feeling and everyone loves in their own way. But I do think I got this much right – if you do not feel that putting a smile on their face is a good enough reason to do anything for your partner, I wouldn't say that you are not in love then, but you definitely have not experienced the best part about it.”

LOVE. I think we are just scared of this word.  Like we are scared of words like commitment and compromise. Language or speech can sometimes, and actually quite rarely, be a deterrent in expressing human emotions. I think I know why. When you tell someone you love them, you are extending your feelings beyond yourself. You are putting yourselves out there. You are making yourselves vulnerable.

When someone becomes so much a part of your being that there is no question of liking or disliking things about them anymore, because they become you and you, them.  When you fight with no prejudice or fear, just like you do with yourself, because you fight for clarity and not judgement. When you don’t worry who’s got your back, because you know they have and you have theirs – invariably and without fail. And when they make mistakes, and this is the tough part, you feel betrayed and yet in your heart you forgive them and give them a chance to make amends. When love doesn't have to be spelled, it just shows. And finally, this one comes with time, and not easily, When there is no doubt whatsoever, and no confusion, and no second thoughts.When you just know.

And no, its never a check list. It does not have one right definition. And like someone said to me, in what seems like a different life now, Everyone loves in their own way. 

A note to self - Part 1

Unless it is a life or death kind of a situation, there is no ‘real’ dilemma in life. As long as you know that there is a fair amount of foreseeable healthy life left in you, it’s all about the choices you make - hope versus despair, mind versus matter, logic versus instinct. It’s about the fact that most times you are so scared to remain stuck in your present and so uncertain about your future that you would rather go back into the past and try and find things that you could probably fix. What you forget is that the past is gone and that it’s never coming back. So the only chance that you have for a life is to let go and look forward into the future. And have faith. And live the life left in you. Because at the end of the day, the goal is not to lead an easy life, but that which is worth living.

Gum

Ab waapis mat bula ke is baar ghaav gehra hai,

Dard hai aur ye dard is baar thehra hai.

Badi mushkil se hosh sambhla hai aaj par,

Pukar ke mera naam, mujhe behisaab na kar.

Ab waapis mat bula ke is baar nahi aayenge,

Gumnami main hi kahin gum ho jayenge.

Find out.

Will she let your fingers trace her mouth,

Will her spine shudder at your touch,

Will she look at you like she has waited for years,

Will she say those words out loud.

Will you hold her like she’s made of feathers,

Will you soak her up in your eyes,

Will you sweep her away,

From her world into yours.

Will she know that you have missed her,

Will she know she belongs,

Will you know for sure, without a doubt,

Come on love, wont you just find out?

Lagged.

It’s a lag.

But perfectly correlated.

You run, I hide; you hide, I run.

And so we never find each other.

In a parallel universe,

Where the timing isn’t so perfect,

You will find me,

And we could both hide forever.