Ablaze

I burn. Like a wildfire.

I whimper.  For a lost desire.

I struggle. To get a clue.

You set me ablaze,

And I melt in you.

It's not over.

So you thought,

That hell ends here.

So you fought,

Your darkest fear?

The dark alley you braved,

It does not end.

All the strength you saved,

It will not fend.

You can’t run for cover,

This inferno never stops burning,

My love, the worst is not over,
Welcome to the beginning.

Fish in the pond

Like a fish in a new pond,
Too scared,
Yet too arrogant,
Always on the edge.

Too many questions
Too few answers
Wondering, wanting, waiting, learning
And doubting.

Its the new way to live,
Welcome to uneasy, queasy.
Oh wait, not so easy.
By the way, it never ends.

Till it does,
But the new is old now.
The hot is cold now.
The story is told now.

It floats around dead,
one with the pond,
no life of its own,
no feeling forlorn.

Dilli ka Dil

Dilli ki tang galiyano main

Logon ki tangi nahi hai

Betuki Bheedum Bhaad main

Shor ki kami nahi hai

Main apni duniya main mashroof

Is jismon ke talaab ko kya du apna tarruf
Ajab si meri mushkil

Yahan dhadakta nahi hai koi bhi dil

Anger Mis-management

I need to crush it under,

Beat it, Break it, Bring it down.

I need to punch it so hard,

The world hears the sound.

Till it crumbles to a thousand pieces,

Into a bag of filth.

Till there’s no more of it left,

Nothing, zero, zilch.

Paradise

And somewhere in this jungle of madness

She sees many paths, one of which leads to him,

He waits. She knows.

And since forever he waits in this jungle of madness

He sees no way out - just a way in,

Only for her, Just for her, Always for her.

She walks down the path this time,

And closes the door behind,

They have found their paradise.

Cheers!

Those red roses

Have dripped of my blood

I have still drunk to you.

Those hands

Have rummaged my skin

I have still longed for you.

Those lies

Have poisoned my soul

I have still held on to you.

Come, one more time

I wait here patiently

To be destroyed by you.

A lesson in subtlety

You can't hold it in your breath

Not for a second, oh! forget till death.

You will say it when you feel it,

Not think about it even for a little bit.

You will not wait till kingdom come,

Blow after blow till I am numb.

You need everything now,

My love, you are indifferent and how.

You love me you tell me,

You hate me and you could kill me.

You say that you care,

Question that, I wouldn't dare.

You have blocked me out and in and out,

And now I have my doubts.

You are driving me away, so far away, 

Oh Darling! subtlety was just never your forte.

P.S.: I have since forever now needed a lesson in subtlety. That's where this piece finds its inspiration from, not to mention the pop culture lyrics and Rihanna,and Christina Perri, and Adele and yes, I think I am 15 again. Just for a while.

Truce?

We have been bleeding for some time

And it hasn’t been worth a dime

Sure, we each defended our turf

But forgot we were on the same side

I want to call for truce

It’s time to close the wounds

Why are we at war -

What are we in a fray for?

Dugout

I dug a hole for me

One that no one would ever see

But passersby would sometimes peep

And I would dig it even more deep

One fateful day, an unfortunate one fell

Right into my unholy hell

Had lost his way

Said he preferred to stay

Ages passed on

Dusks would turn to Dawn

He became entwined

With my body and mind

But one sane sunny day

He decided to walk away

To get back on his track

And never looked back

Maybe it was the dust

But know, if you must

I was left lonesome and broken

as some words remain unspoken

Now they are sealing the hole, I hear

Dirt and stones they throw, I bear

End of the world, as I used to know

Serves about right for my soul so shallow

Burnt.

The world I knew dont exist anymore

And I got no place to go

The music aint the same as before

And I got nothing in my name to show.

Fuck all hope, screw all desire

Couldn’t take the shame day after day

So I set the world on fire

And walked away.

Denial

Is awaargi ki wajah aaj kehta hu
Is berukhi se tumko kyu sehta hu.
kabhi to lagta hai kisi ek pal
ke tumhi ko kab se dhoond raha tha main.
Aaj tum saamne ho magar

yakin par bhi ab yakin nahi karta hu.

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I want to tell you today,

about why I have been.

so aloof, cold and astray

I could be right and absolutely wrong,

but at times I feel you are -

the one I could've been searching for so long.

And now you are right at the door,

and I stay in denial -

Its hard to trust my belief of you anymore.

Guftagu

Unedited, impromptu, free-flowing and earnest. 
This poetry of a conversation, this exchange of madness, this freedom of expression deserves a place here. 
Here's to you and to which is ours, my friend.  

ज़िन्दगी की तबाही के नजारों को भी कुछ लोग

देख कर,सुन कर मज़े लेना चाहते हैं,

वाह ग़ालिब, क्या ज़माना आ गया है

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आप जिसे तबाही समझते हैं

वो तो गुल - गुलशन हैं

तबाही तो वो सन्नाटा है,

जो हमारे अन्दर सरसराता है

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उस सरसराहट को जब मैं अपने शब्दों मैं लिखू,

 तो कहीं तुम  उसे मजाक  समझ  हंस न दो,

तो कहीं तुम मुझे बेबाक  समझ ना लो,

कहीं तुम मुझे कोई सूफी संत समझ ना लो

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सन्नाटे को मेरी सुन पाए, 

इसकी हमे उम्मीद नहीं थी,

ना अल्फाज़ पर तुम्हारे ना तुम्हारी आवाज़ पर हँसी छूटेगी मेरी,

इंतज़ार तो आज तक तुम्हारे बेबाक होने का है

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बेबाक  भी आज  हो जाऊं अगर मैं,

जो फासला है वो हम  तय कर ना सकेंगे

ना तुम बोलोगे कुछ ,

ना हम आगे बढ़ सकेंगे .

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अपनी ख़ामोशी को धुनों से मेरी पूरी करने की कोशिश  है,

फसलों को सच्चाई से दूर करने की कोशिश है,

अपनी बेबाकी पर भरोसा कर के देख  ऐ शायर,

शायद वक़्त ही कुछ  यकीन दिला जाये

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मैंने अब खामोश रहना सीख  लिया है, 

इस  तन्हाई मैं अपना साया भी ढूंढ लिया है

अब कुछ कहा नहीं जायेगा मेरे दोस्त मुझसे, 

वक़्त क्या सिखाएगा, की अब मैंने थोड़ा थोड़ा मरना भी सीख लिया है

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इस  फीकी दुनिया के आगे एक  दुनिया और भी है,

अगर अपनी सूनी पलकों को खोल उसे देख पाओ.

तन्हाई में तो सिर्फ साये बसते हैं,

अँधेरे से दूर, इस सूरज की ओट में तो आओ .

मरते तो कायर हैं पल-पल हर हार पर अपनी ज़िन्दगी में,

अपने नसीब और किस्मत के आगे अपनी नज़र बढ़ाओ

हर अँधेरे तहखाने में एक शमा है उम्मीद की छुपी,

गर तुम उसे पहचान पाओ

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नहीं ढूँढनी अब मुझे वो उम्मीद, नहीं पहचान  मुझे अँधेरे और उजाले की अब.

अब ना-उम्मीदगी ही से मैं हूँ .

मेरा वजूद, मेरा यकीन , जो किसी पे उम्मीद लगाये था, जिसे किसी ने बेरहमी से तोड़ दिया.

वो अब खुद मैं झांकता है और खुद ही से बातें करता है.

खुद ही हँसता है, खुद ही आंसू बहा लेता है .

मैं मैं मैं - बस यही मेरा इन्साफ  है

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तेरा यूँ जो बिखरता वजूद है,

थाम ले उसे कुछ पल और सोच

उतार फ़ेंक निराशा के चश्मे आँखों पर से

और देख खुला आसमां इंतज़ार में है

मत आंक इतनी कम क़ीमत अपनी

तेरी तो हर सांस अनमोल है

अगर किसी को रौशनी की पहचान नहीं

इसमें तेरा कसूर नहीं

बंद कर देखना उसके आईने में अपना अक्स

बदकिस्मती है उसकी, और नादान वही

मौका दे एक बार फिर खुद को

खुद को इन्साफ देने वाले तुम क़ाज़ी नहीं

गर्त में गिरने से बचाने तैयार हैं हाथ साथ के

दिल से शुबा निकाल फ़ेंक

तोड़ा था तेरा यकीन हम-मज़हब ने

अब काफिर पर भरोसा कर के देख

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मेरी कीमत कितनी है वो खुदा ही जाने

किसी को अब मुझे तौलने का सबब नहीं मिलेगा पर

हारी नहीं हूँ मैं, ना ही हार मानूंगी

और किसी को जीतने भर का सुकून भी नहीं होगा असर

ना हिम्मत मेरी कम  है ना तबियत मेरी तंग है

बस बेरंग सा जीवन है, बेमक्सद सा मक्सद है

मेरी फ़िक्र  मैं अपनी शायरी और वक़्त बर्बाद क्यूँ करते हो

मैं ना इसकी कायल हूँ और ना ही शायद लायक.

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Ouchh..That hurt!!

There you came -
Armed, Harmed.
Bang Bang Boom Boom.
I took a beating,
and it hurt.
so bad, I couldnt get back.

The strange bit is,
I wasnt caught unawares -
Saw it coming, in a way waiting.
and yet in denial,
till I was numb.
So dumb, I fell mum.

It hurts. And it doesnt.
I am blue. But its not new.
Why then this time did I flee.
Guess I might have over estimated me.
My defenses werent enough this time.
Try me again, once again, one more time.

Look me in the eye,
Tell me I didnt try.
There was the world and then there was you.
My haven, my refuge, my you.
Now you are far amongst the crowd.
And even if I try, I cant find you.

So, here I am.
Singing our song,
boring happy and long,
while you while away,
In a land far away.
And I am at best, and most likely,
a not so fond memory.

I found my promised land my dear,
But I am afraid our rainbow isnt here.
I guess it was just a funny dream.
Reality isnt so colorful afterall.
I am wide wide awake,
and all I feel is a choking heartache.

No, dont come back.
I have built these walls,
when you declared your war,
Now, this has grown on me - the darkness,
Its amazing what we can get used to,
No more wishes, and I had so few!

I accept defeat.
Let my punishment be this -
That we let me be.
That we never get to be, Us again.
That you move on, And I stay.
In my dungeons. Guarded. While the rainbow comes your way.

Oops!

Thanks, if you have been reading this blog.
Sorry, if you stumbled upon it today. Bad timing.
 
The blog and the writer is going through a major reconstruction phase.
See you on the other side, if you wish to wait it out, that is.
 
"Hai kuch aisi hi baat jo chup hoon,
Warna kya baat kar nahi aati.

Hum wahaan hai jahaan,
Humko bhi kuch humari hi khabar nahi aati."

- Mirza Ghalib

Khaak

Ab thoda has bhi lete hain hum
jab ye aansu tapakte hain
Inhe koi bata de ye baat zara si,
Ki sab khaak main mil jaate hain
wo bhi, main bhi, tum bhi.

Mann kuch pareshaan rehta hai
Kya karu, kehta hai, poochta hai
Ise koi behlao na yaar,
Ki sab jhoot hai, maya hai
Tera pyaar, teri jeet, meri haar.

Ye aankhein thak si gayi hain
par fir bhi dhoondti hain kisi ko
Inhe koi samjhao na ye baatein,
Ki dheere dheere sab dhundli ho jaati hain
hasratein, raatein, yaadein.

Cuckoo-ed.

This girl in the neighborhood,
She is a little cuckoo,
She waits for something to happen,
Not knows where, what or who.

She tells of her bad dreams,
Of bad incidents and people,
No one comes to my rescue,
She says, and begins to fiddle.

She looks with those big dreamy eyes,
I am just myself and will be,
I fail to follow my dear, she says
Why is it then so hard to love me.

She tried to capture the sun,
Went looking for the rainbow,
And they say she is crazy,
she will never grow.

She pretends to count the stars
On the roof top every night,
Silently she weeps,
Sings herself to sleep in the fading light.

I will find my way out of here soon,
She says, you will look for me, you'll see,
The rainbow across the river,
is where your best bet should be.

This girl in the neighborhood,
She was a little cuckoo,
She found what she was looking for,
No one knows where, what or who.

And when this is long over, maybe on one cold foggy day;
You would wish, I had not gone away.

Dear Delhi,

I stray, I wander, I roam;
To you, I come home.
The city of my ruins, my sins, my djinns.

The Wait.

For you,
I ditched the world.
For you,
I waited.

For you,
I am leaving.
For you,
I am hurting.

For you,
I will be strong.
For you,
I will wait.

The Lies.

When I will look into your eyes,
And tell you the truth,
That it's all been lies.

To break it to you that it's a big mess,
I will wait,
And it will all be over in one moment of madness.

__________________________________________

I know more than you think I do,
Yet I pretend,
For you.

To you I am bound,
In this life as I wait,
For you to come around.

Strangers

I have been thinkin abt u,
Do u feel me too?

I have been talkin abt u,
Do u hear me too?

I have been dreamin abt u,
Do you see me too?

The Q&Q.

Will you be coming back?
Will I see you unpack?
Will I still be here?
Will you still care?

Will we have stayed the same?
Will you have remembered my name?
Will we still belong?
Will we remember our song?

Will we not forget?
Will we still regret?
Will it still feel right?
When you hold me tight?

Will it ever again be us?
Or will we have missed the bus?
Will you let me look at you?
Many times too few?

Will you hold out a hand?
Will you reach out while you can?
Will I run to you?
Will we start anew?

Will you turn about?
And still find me around?
Will I still wait?
Even though you have been all this late?

You n I

You n I
If we could, we would.
You n I
We are misunderstood.

You n I
We are nothing.
You n I
We are something.

Something amazing. Something else.

To pakad na fir haath mera,
Chal ud chalein duniya ke us paar.

Tick-Tock-Tick

“Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.”

When I started writing this blog, I spoke about being overchoiced and how it is awesome to be that and confused than be nothing at all.  The truth is ( Focus. the definition has changed. Completely. ) that there is no such thing as being overchoiced. Each one of us, no matter who we are or where we come from, are faced with choices everyday (Really?? You would think I was the only one!). And we do choose. Either to act upon them or not. We are who we choose to become every single morning, night and day.
A chose to love B. B chose to ignore C. C chose to hurt A. D chose to run away. E chose to remain a recluse. F chose never to tell A. G chose to pretend all was ok. You get the drift.

The amazing thing is that we all make wrong choices in life. Doesnt that make you feel better - the presence of the "ALL" word there. Perception is always so relative. We all also  make some kickass choices – once in a while. And all this is quite subjective. One's virtue is other's vice. As I look around, I see people choosing to be a certain way and I can’t help but wonder why. Hell! If I look back on some of my own choices/decisions in life, I probably would do things differently. But here’s the thing. I have no regrets because what I did then seemed to be a very “me” thing to do. Then. Now, we are in a different place, in our minds, in our hearts and it will most likely be different a few years down the line. I am not saying we change. I truly believe that inherently a person remains his own. He only moulds himself to the things and people around him. For the better or worse. Eventually, we all normalize around our standard distribution as years pass by. Atleast that’s the hope.

And what about the confusions, you ask? They are like a plague to the unassuming, uncertain mind. They spread and stick to you and suck the life left of you. But I’ll tell you a secret. Most of our choices and confusions never leave our minds. We are prisoners in our own heads. So, maybe we should get it out of that head. Live it. Try it. And maybe we will know. The sad part is that we don’t have nearly enough lives to live all our could-have-beens so we need to choose our poisons wisely.

And so, as you would notice, we have come full circle. To another choice, another confusion. Such is life. Which also brings me to believe that I am just as dazed and clueless as I was when I started writing the blog, except, nearly not half as excited about the whole situation as I was back then. My choicest confusions reads better with a good dose of sarcasm now. Thanks life. I appreciate your ways of teaching me. But we are not through yet. Seriously, bring it on ;)

Oh and like someone wiser than me once said, its ALL in the head and we had better not lose it. Too late, eh?