The silly little whim

How many of you will crash and burn?
And when, when really do I learn?
Numbness is catching up fast my friend,
I think you and I share the same fate.

Why do I let go?
I don’t.
They snatch you from me.
I am helpless, in every way.

I'd apologise if it mattered,
but I know it doesn't change a thing.
With you, I die too,
My soul shallows further.

Till we shall be one.
My desire, My wish, My silly little whim.
You R.I.P.

Something less ordinary.

We ignore the ordinary. We despise the usual. And the "same old-same old" would bore us to death one day.

And so we crave for that which is not ordinary or usual or the same-old. Makes sense. We miss the thrill, you know. The rush of blood. Adrenaline.

As a kid, I always wondered 'how to' when anyone would tell me to do something from the heart. You can, to an extent, control your mind, but how do you converse with your heart, really?

Why at times, do we say that our heart and our mind are saying two different things? As far as I know only the brain (the mind) does the thinking for us. The heart, in reality, has a different function altogether. But it is related. Its where the rush of blood comes from. The beat of which drowns out the sane voices in the head. The impulse that defies logic.

So now that we have the scientific clearance, lets get down to the topic itself.

Is it just about getting those great things in life? NO. I would think its more about how you get them. Anything easily attained becomes less valuable and more ordinary. If I got a raise every single month, without having to work or for that matter crib for it, would it make me happy? But if I worked like crazy for the entire year and it paid off in the end with a kickass bonus, I would know the value of it. I know this real-life example actually spoiled the meadowy-world that I was bringing you to. Okay another try- If tons of smokin' hot (or demure/mysterious girls- hey! Whatever you want, man!) asked you out every single day- well,I know you are thinking- no drooling already..but after sometime, like George Clooney you'd just go 'Meh!' my friend. Unless someone who doesnt bother to give you a second glance comes along.

My guess is that a part of it comes from the 'want-what-you-cant-get' or 'want-what-you-cant-easily-get' syndrome. Which brings me to the "Twilight" bit. A sexy vampire and a werewolf with 'the' perfect body can go to all lengths for the love of an ordinary girl- not so ordinary for them. Apart from the fact that I am in love with Robert Pattinson (At the risk of sounding like a 13 year old, I hate to confess that I want to aaaaa and eeeeeee everytime I see him), the thing that clicked for me and the millions of fans out there was this "forbidden yet unrelenting" love chemistry, I guess and ofcourse the supernaturality of it all. We all know vampires dont exist (Damn!) but what the hell! we can wonder what if...right? :P

I think it is very important to seek and experience that rush in life. Ofcourse you need to balance it out with a good dose of sense from your mind.

Its like how I define a movie. Many of us say they are just fiction. Well, so many unbelievable things happen around us in real life. Movies are just extraordinary and at most times over-exagerrated tales and yes the back ground music contributes a lot to it. I don't want the "Quentin Tarantino" blood-shed, but I'd love the Edward-Bellaesque romance, with some awesome background score thrown in.

I cant have it all but who says I cant want it? Something less ordinary.

Office graffiti

(c) SniGoons

A First

Sad and alone,
This year I couldn’t make it home.
I hear the sounds and wish even more,
Just somehow you would knock my door.

Lights galore and a festival,
But my heart is dark and dismal,
So hard, thought it was not,
Just know, I miss you a lot.

Wishing upon every star,
that next time you won’t be far,
An empty room, when you see,
Won’t you but don't you miss me!

We’ll both pray- the same prayer,
A smile on your face is all I care,
Go fill your life with light and glee,
May you have the best Diwali.

Miss you Ma, Pa, Alloo, Di!
Have a bright, colourful, lively, happy and a safe Diwali!

Update: I had a patakha Diwali :) Thanks to all who made it special.

At my most beautiful

Friendly solitude; A dream stupefied, Another awakened; A faith re-instated; Wishes fulfilled; Hearts unburdened, some; Amidst Fears; Happy moments; Heaven and back; Time well spent.

The word happiness is so overstated and the word beauty is so underplayed.
Happiness is not perennial. It has its moments. You know those little ones. The ones you remember and smile to yourself about. There is your pot of happiness. It is not a potion you drink and be happy forever. If someone asked me if I was happy in my life, I would just say I have my moments.

If everything is beautiful, then what is that which is actually beautiful? I think beautiful as a word has been overly hackneyed. Beautiful is a girl, a lampshade, a toenail, a job well done, sunny weather, a good heart, a thought, a feeling and what not. So what is the word for something that mesmerizes you - gives you that momentary nirvana and just takes you away. (No, Im not talking about the three letter word that your Mommy told you not to say)Do you just say “Now that’s beautiful???!!!” I don’t think so. It's something else.

Quite an eventful year so far. More than my facebook pictures say, trust me. I have always liked Ayn Rand, among other things, for the ‘May you live in interesting times’, bit. It makes life worth living. Its so funny, you know, in my blog, my rusty old personal journals and conversations, I have always talked so much about time ticking away, escaping from us like we were after it. I almost feel like it’s related to my past life- not even sure if I believe in it- just trying to explain a thus far unexplained thing about myself. As a kid, I would cry for an hour if my mom woke me up 15 minutes late because I thought it was such a waste of time. Even today, every Saturday/Sunday I wake up earlier than most days because I feel I need to make the most of those two blessed days. These last few days have been busy at work and otherwise. I enjoyed the work, and loved every moment of what was spent away from it. A time well spent it was.

I feel like myself again, though I do feel a bit roughed out relative to the prior shrill edges I boasted of. And yes, I am not sure if we had or are going to have more lives-but if we are, I promise that if time runs out in this one, I will make it upto you in the next one.

Yours truly,
At my most ‘beautiful’.
Remember the word is underplayed.

Survival

I can feel it now.
The emptyness. The black hole.
Sucking me into it.
Eating me alive.

Survive I will.
For what, I dont know.
I have forgotten the warmth of a heart,
The wetness of a tear, I know well.

A day,
When I know what I want to be.
And where I want be.
When I am me.

I long.
For clarity.
For that day.
For finding me.

Touch me.
Find me.
Keep me.
Take me away.

From feeling this feeling.
From having something that others would long to have.
From not wanting what I have.
From not being me.

On second thoughts,
I am alright.
I always have been.
I will be in the end.

Why do I end with a hope?
Why dont I give up?
Why do I keep fighting?
And yet I know it all comes full circle,
In this mirage of life.

The distances in kilometers we will cover,
I hope we cover the others too..

Dark

There is a dark side of me
that, through which you cannot see
it surfaces once in a while
good or bad its all mine
Dark is not bad
it is that you cannot see or understand
Like the moon that fades in daylight
and the sun that hides at night
there are times when I am dark
in my madness, my silence, or my one of many quirks

There is a dark side of you
that I fail to see through too
I am afraid of what I may find
that it may be beyond my hopeful mind
In your light I see myself
the dark confounds me
I cant fight it coz I dont know what it is
Do I make it mine?
and lose myself while I am at it
Dont you see its too dark for me
I really really want to but I cannot see..

There's strength within us
that we seldom know of
the desire to break free
the will to be
that makes you dare
The dark side gets you there..

Depreciation of assets

Depreciation is the reduction in the value of an asset due to usage, passage of time, wear and tear, technological outdating or obsolescence, depletion or other such factors (Source: Wiki)

As little as I remember from the few classes I attended in my Business school, Finance/Economics equates a corporation to a person, that was 'born' and has real rights and responsibilities, it can be convicted, be insolvent, die, sue and be sued. I would like to take the liberty to reverse the law which can be stated thus " Like a corporation, a person has assets- tangible or intangible that depreciate over time but unlike the corporations, the fools don't account for it in their books".

Youth, Beauty, Intelligence, Memory, Love, Long hair, Biceps, Triceps, 6-pack, 8-pack (Okay, in short, your oh-so-hot-bod), energy, passion (and I may have left some out) etc. etc. could be some of a normal human being's assets. And all these, I can safely say, from as little as I have seen or experienced, fade over time or like the new law states 'depreciate'.

Your external being withers away slowly and eventually. Wow, Niiice thought to have on a sunny saturday afternoon :) I know!! So the smile on you that your boyfriend or girlfriend adores may just eventually turn into a teethless one. And had the achingly romantic side of me been awake at this point of time, it would have retorted that if your guy or gal/hubby or wuffy looooves you, he/she would coochie-coo even your teethless frame of mouth. And because that scary side of me is sooo asleep right now, I would say that that argument is so full of mash potato. It looks good, sounds good but it makes you sick in the stomach. The 'love' of your beloved depreciates too. Haven't you heard of wives complaining about how their husbands earlier used to.... (*nice things*) and now they just... (*bad things*)!!

I dont say that your invaluables vanish, I just say they become a little less valuable over time. And maybe as your memory does too, you begin to forget what used to be and learn to accept what is. (Is there a financial term for that too...? Provision for doubtful accounts maybe). The question really is: In the the books of accounts, you account for it. How do you do it in your life?

Its kinda funny bit its kinda sad too. (And here comes the cliched..)But this is life. But it is.

Lets see- So, maybe when you take your wedding vows, you just say, "Look I really really love you right now but I can't promise you that I'd stay the same always. Its human to change, you know!" (Disclaimer: Please dont do that if you want that wedding ceremony to conclude). Maybe the guy or the gal at that point of time does think he/she is gonna feel the same forever. So why blame someone for something that's not their fault. Promises should be banned, I feel. Or the other simpler way to deal with this is to be more realistic with expectations.

Okay today, when you checked out that sexy you in the mirror, I bet you did not think that those beautiful shiny locks that makes your best friend go green with envy, may fall someday? You dont have to. But know that they will.

Just why cant we account for depreciation of assets in our lives too?
Because we are real people not corporations. We need to live in our present. And I have heard of that line so much and it makes all the sense in the world but I really dont know what it means. And how many do that- live in the present, i.e.? I wish someone could teach me to let go of my past and the worries of my future and help me stay where I am- in my present.

So I guess ladies and gentlemen and ghosts of the past, present and the future, yes, love fades, hearts break, hair fall and eyesight weakens. You can't run from them coz they are yours. So you cut your losses and bounce back, You diversify ;D You find new loves, newer looks. Eg. You become a mother or a father, and you love and are loved more than ever by your children. And trust me, for me (like for most of us), my mom is the most beautiful lady in my life. She will always be. This goldmine of mine, will never lose its shine.

"I SIT, this evening, far away,
From all I used to know,
And nought reminds my soul to-day
Of happy long ago.
Unwelcome cares, unthought-of fears,
Around my room arise;
I seek for suns of former years
But clouds o'ercast my skies.
Yes--Memory, wherefore does thy voice
Bring old times back to view,
As thou wouldst bid me not rejoice
In thoughts and prospects new? "


New thoughts, Newer prospects and a New you. You change with time and people around you too- a little, if not much(I know for a fact that once a brat always a brat). So anyways, there will be hurt and there will be pain, but be sure you discover more joy and happiness to last your lifetime.

The Pigeon

It thundered and it rained,
I got drenched
And my alibi too
So, I let go of the fret
Wet in rain and whetting pain,
I limped my way to them,
They are the water and I am the fish,
Without them, I feel like meat.
Tucked in my bed and off to sleep,
I hear the pigeon coo again,
It never leaves, I never sleep.
I know somehow, as it wags its head back and forth,
It likes to see me weep.

I left the marsh for a place,
Where the sun walked very close,
From one horizon to the other,
I got sun burns, and lazy too,
Them, I missed but I found someone,
Oh and I got legs and wings so neat,
Yes, I could fly to their touch,
When I start feeling like yucky meat,
Tucked in my bed and off to sleep,
I hear a pigeon coo,
It left with me, I never slept,
I don’t know why I let it,
But it does disturb me and Damn it! I have wept.

I slowly drifted to the snows,
The feathers wore, my legs sore and water was so far,
Someone left me too to brave the cold alone,
I tried to fly, but my feet was stuck in snow,
I tried to call but my voice was lost in flow,
I think for the longest time,
I missed and longed for them and someone,
So much so that half my body wilted.
Slowly but I don’t even realize,
I grow older,
Numb in snow and the undone eyebrow,
I think I died a long time ago,
For I became the meat,
And the pigeon now sat on my shoulder,
It cooed and it cooed and it never stopped cooing,
But it did not disturb me,
Nor did it make me weep,
Since ages now I have been fast asleep.