As it comes..

I am a civilian, rich or poor, untrained, ill-equipped, and extremely scared. I can be shot at or bombed while I am travelling in a train, or dining in a hotel or even walking on a street. I know that. But I dont stop doing all those things. Not because I am not scared, not because I forget, Not because it has not happened to me or someone close to me, But because I need to do some things to live a normal life, because if I keep thinking of all possible places I shouldn't go to, there would be no place left to go. After this one, and so many attacks that have happened on our country lately, I wake up every morning and its business as usual for me.I dont know what else to do. I do this by choice.

Then there are the Defense personnel/the security forces, rich/poor, trained, equipped and I 'think' a little scared. Now, these people are in the profession of getting shot at. Simply put, they lay down their lives to save our lives. They know there are a hundred tanks firing from all sides, they know there are a number of terrorists throwing grenades at them in there, but they march forward nevertheless. I cannot reason this one out- I will not be doing justice to their cause. And they too do it by choice.
We don't know our fate but they know their most probable one before their eyes.

I cannot even try and imagine what goes on through their minds when they are on a mission. Those of you who have close friends, relatives in the army may know. I am clueless. What goes through the minds of their parents, siblings, lovers?
Do they say their prayers or call their loved ones and tell them how much they love them, do their loved ones tell them how proud they are of them, Do they feel like if they could they would just run away, Do they take this long sigh and tell themselves that this is their duty and they shall fulfill it, Do they feel they will die this time, before they march into anything, everytime Or Do they ever even have the time to think?
Whatever the case is, someone who willingly parts with his dear life for so many he doesnt even know- is a Hero in its true sense.

There are heroes among the untrained, ill-equipped and scared lesser mortals like us as well. I read of the railway announcer who put his life in danger to save others instead of ducking/fleeing from his seat. I read of the hotel staff who formed a chain so the elite guests can leave while they took bullets for them. And so many other such heroes during the Mumbai blasts. I dont know which duty they thought they were fulfilling- Divinity not humanity, if any.

Maybe, Maybe, there is a hero in all of us. Maybe while we are so busy saving ourselves from the regular attacks of failed relationships, lost money, betrayal, and unsuccessful careers, we can't and we don't want to see outside of our own Misery.
We all make choices, some way more tougher than we can imagine.

Maybe, when it comes, and as it comes we will too rise above our own expectations..
I hope I get the courage, and as it comes, I take the bullet for that lady or that uncle who lives in another corner of the city, who I dont know, who I never will.
I hope I do some proud too..

Pink and Blue go together

All your life you tell people how they have changed from how you once knew them. That they promised you that they’d be someone all their life and they are not that person anymore. Then, one morning you wake up, with a heavy head, remembering only in parts what happened the night before, or even what’s been happening the months before. And as it comes to you, you hear yourself say “!@#$^&” over and over again. That’s when it occurs to you. You have changed. From what you used to be, from what you stood for, from what you thought was right, from what you thought you were. From Pink to Blue.

These days he felt he had run out of choices. He was to accept what life had to offer. Take it or Take it. He felt. He had not. He saw the setting sun, only because he slept during the sunshine. He suffocated, only because he lived in the confines of his den. He thought he cannot feel anymore, only because he did not reach out to touch. He was an effigy, except when he was burnt, the Blue blood, turned Pink.

I give a rat’s ass. To just about everything. Or atleast that’s what I say. Either that is completely true. Or utterly full of shit. I see myself worried about things that should not matter. I also see myself give a damn to people who matter more than anyone else. I am unsure, not so sure, clueless, random, guilty and confused, and all these by choice ‘cause no one forced what is, upon me. In the back seat of a Santro, as I get closer to my home, I feel cold. And I feel the tears. I quickly wipe them before anyone sees it. And I know one thing for sure. I am lost. But as little as I remember of myself, I know I will find my way back home. From the dark Blue clouds to the sunny Pink skies. You bet!

Did I mention that Pink slips can get you off the Blues too? I know of someone who thinks its her chance to do what she always wanted to. I wish you well with your endeavors!

“All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.”

--J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Trust I seek…

… I find in you?

"I Trust you."
Well, how many people actually mean it, without any lingering, remotely accessed, thoughts in their heads? I for one, do. That I have felt and said it very little, since I started doing those things, shall be another subject of discussion.

So, why can’t we trust? Because someone we trusted betrayed us and it hurts so bad that we find it hard to trust someone again. Okay, I am not trying to give you a crash course on trust here, just getting around towards the point.

And why do we trust again? Because someone reassures us that the world is not that bad a place to live in after all. And whether that is true or false, they somehow make you believe that. And you feel better. And you feel safer.

Hm..What if you trust your car driver just enough not to wear the safety belt, and he loses control, only to catch you off guard, bumping your head against the front glass, leaving you bleeding like a dog? Maybe the situation is not that comparable. You can trust the driver and still wear a seat belt just because you don’t trust the roads enough- there may be bumps for all you know OR you don’t trust other cars that try to come on to yours!

But it is. So what if there are bumps, isn’t a responsible driver supposed to slow down when there are? And there will be bad and bigger and better cars trying to get their way, it does not mean you give in.

But your choice it is. To trust or be on the safer side. But when you say it, mean it, even if it comes at the cost of hurting more than when you don’t. Just coz it feels better while it lasts. And oh! Always have a feeling that it will. It might well do!

"I trust you."

Will she, won't she?

She was in a ditch. No, she was in an abyss, at least that’s what it felt after her endless tries of climbing out of it only to slip deeper into it again. Some tried to help. Sometimes she tried to help herself. Nothing worked.

Several years later, after arduous meditation, she summoned up a storm. And that which manifested lifted her gracefully out of darkness, into another world, very far from where she never wanted herself to be. Time healed her and she forgot the abyss but it did not forget her. It walked with her night and day, between her smiles, amidst her chatter, camouflaged in the cape of fear.

Several more years later, something happened. She realized that the fear was not of the abyss alone. Like green fungus, it had made its way into every nerve of her soul. She has to claw her way out of the evil grunge for, she knew, once devoid of that, any peak worth conquering, was accessible. And she knew, this time, she has to summon a storm within herself. It may leave her whole new world shattered or it may turn out just fine. There was no way to know.

The fear that clutched her so unforgivingly had to be shrugged off. But will she gather the will to summon the storm? Will her thirst to see the world at her feet overpower her fear to tumble into another abyss again? Someone hopes. I hope so too.

I am

A thump on a busy street,
A clap in a theater,
A coin in coins,
A word forgotten,
A fleeting glance,
I am.

The sun we know,
The smile you love,
The air to breathe,
The wish to die for,
Your song,
I am not.

My fate!!
But belief catches up fast,
Panting for breath-
“If the head is held high,
The heart is strong,
A dream in your eye,
And you know you are loved”
I will be whatever I want to be.

Bon Appetit

Life is one of those French classes. You know, you join them coz you wanna learn, and then it drives you nuts but you just can’t quit. So, MY French class has been going on for more than 20 years now- Cant say how much I have learnt but it sure as hell has driven me closer to an asylum. But can’t quit can I?

Anyways. I hardly get time to write now. But when I Looked at my ‘repository’ today, I realized there is so much I have written and never posted coz it was maybe too lame or never finished or I changed my mind about what I had written ! Ahh! Just don’t wanna keep those poor guys sitting there, waiting for their turn to be blogged. So, lame however they may be, they were intended to be on this blog- and so they are. The “unedited and unpublished and thankfully so” (until now) version of my choicest confusions is here. Savour yourselves as I bring you closer to my French aylum.
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“Forever trusting who we are and nothing else matters!”
People change just like times do. Sometimes, they abandon you and move on. While you stay right there looking for them.
You may have done that some point in your life. And I might have too. And someone might have done the same to us. Its human nature, I am guessing.
So what’s the best we can do? Let them be. Let them find their happiness and go looking for ours. There is no time after time.

“You and I try and tire
Hurt no more, only numb
Thankfully, I smile to myself,
There are things I lost forever.”

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“And the moon is out and the stars are bright
And whatever comes gonna be alright
Cause tonight you will be mine - up on cloud number nine”

Okay, I confess I am a sucker for love and all that it comes along with.
A candle-lit table on the sea-side. The wind in my hair and sand at my feet. A song plays from a distant place, and he bows down and asks me for a dance. I smile and agree. And so- “ we can watch the world go by . . up on cloud number nine”

And then much much later, when I am 70, if I live that long- we are at the same place holding hands and thinking about what all we have gone through together, and loved every moment of it.
I know sounds just like out of a movie. It is. ‘coz the movies conveniently skip the not-all-that-great part of being there. But you know, there are people who fall out of love after all the fights and tears. And there are people who don’t.
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I don’t have a reason to smile. ummm…wait…correction…I guess I do. Before I started writing I thought I would write about how life is such a betrayal everyday. How life plays games with u. How life is such a drudgery everyday. But oh did I forget, Life is so much more- its laughter when I put my hand on my stomach and there are tears in my eyes coz the joke was just so frigging funny or so fuckin not funny. Its hope when I feel I have lost and I look up and around and within and I know I wont ever lose if I know I m not a loser. Its love when drops trickle down my face the moment I think of the time I would have to leave this safe haven and go away from my parents to a place where I woudnt really know a soul. Its ambition when I look into the mirror and let out a speech telling one and all that if it wasn’t for my ma and pa I wudnt have been here- ON the top of the world. Its music when I listen to a song and it reminds me of someone special…or something or a place…hmmm…tell u what- Life is music- high notes and low ones- you just have to make it music to your soul.
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8.37 A.M. Just about. Every Morning. A Traffic Signal and one of those 10 seconds when I am not counting at one. Distracted by an old man who sits there, besides the lamp-post, with the same far-out expression, every day- without fail. I wonder what brings him there. There are parks or clubs or temples he could go to. Or maybe he just walks through the road and takes rest for a few mins or he just likes to sit there- watch the bustle of the city. And then it strikes me.. he sits there to watch his life to go past by him. Most of ours does, but we are too busy to realise it.
Days turn into months, months into years and years into a lifetime- and then we hear “ yeh kal hi ki to baat thi” I spent college bunking classes, and whiling away time- not that I regret any of it, just that- had I known if would be so short of it later, could have used it judiciously. Heck, we can buy every damn thing, wish we could but time too.
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One overcast night, I called it a day at work,
I hear the thunder, and can feel a storm lurks,
Quickly, I grab my purse and put on my jacket,
Head for home in the cab, I pulled the windows down.
For once the wind in my hair drowns out the traffic,
And I smile to myself- its Friday after all.
And I am thinking- I get to sleep till 12 tomorrow!!
- Added the last line just now.

Dude! These may be the lamest posts ever. whatever! My love hate tete a tete with my French class continues. I gotta run- I somehow, Can’t wait to attend this one! Au Revoir!
Later!

Here we go again..!!

I am getting older. As yet another Birthday approaches, I know I am. It doesn’t freak me out as in “freak-me-out” but it kinda does too. Hmmmpph!! No, I actually sighed. Hmmmpph..another one!! Gawwd Am I getting older already!! Okay let me catch my breath first..yeah I am good now.

Well, its not like I am afraid of adding years. I am more concerned about all I want to do with Life and I have not started just as yet!
I wanted to be an astronaut, while I was much younger, you know, go to NASA, find out if the US moon mission was actually fake, meet with the aliens. I swear I KNOW aliens exist!! I KNOW they do, you wanna bet?
Then, I wanted to be a Paleontologist, this was after I read too many Dinosaur books and watched Jurassic park too many times. I even had a DinoScare quiz game! I can pronounce every single complicated name of their species- I do wonder though, why in Sauropodomorpha’s name would you name them thus. Whatever! I still love Dinosaurs!!
And then I wanted to be a rock star- My career almost took off when the Surd music teacher at school taught us “Siiilent night..hoooly night” and several other beauuutiful christmas carols. I even learnt how to play a bongo and hold the guitar!! Damn, I could have been the next James Blunt!
And then I almost wanted to be a basketball player. I was too tall for my age. I was told I could be a good player, if only I’d take my hands outside my trouser pockets while playing. Gawwd! It was too cold a weather to play in- Give the l’il girl a break!

Okay the list is too long and the consequences too tragical. The road has been long and winding. I don’t even know how I ended up having anything to do with the stock exchange. By the way, Has anyone seen the @#$%^& HCL ad? Gawd!! They make investment bankers look like VERY VERY dumb people!! I don’t even want to get into what people at "HCL Technology Solutions" do! We all know they do some Really neat stuff. Lets just leave it at that, shall we?

Anyways, I digressed. And I just realized how much ever I brood over it, what's gone is gone. I wish I could realize that more often, though.

I have done many things I shouldn’t have.
I haven’t done many things I should have.
I have hurt people and I shouldn’t have.
I haven’t kicked people I should have.
I have hidden from people how much I well.."Don't-really-like-them"- I sure as hell shouldn't have.
I haven’t told people how much I like them- I should have.
I have cried for the wrong people.
I have laughed at the wrong people.
I have smiled too little.
I have thanked too less.
I could have been better.
I could have been something I am not.
Except that, I could not have been something other than what I am. But each passing day, I try to get closer to what I want to be.

And I aint getting older- I am just getting wiser and umm..Older :|
But..(wait! remember "Happy(s) Ending(s)") I wont Ever stop dreaming!
I still want to own an Island Resort. Anybody willing to donate one for the right cause? Look no further- CAUSE its here( me me me !!)

Cheers!

“Simone
Wish I was sober
So I could see clearly now
The rain has gone

Simone
I guess it's over
My memory plays our tune
The same old song”

Lalala..and the hangover continues!! WHERE is my aspirin??

Same shit, different day..

I m looking for you…just why the hell don’t you come?
I m looking for something…Just why the hell I donno what it is…!!
Wish I knew what I was talking abt…wish I was clearer…

My Dairy, Dated: 31st July, 2005