The big fat lie

So he finally knew the answer. In fact the only way out. He was brilliant to have thought of it. It was the only way he could save himself. It was not redemption. It was cheating himself into it. But again, he had no choice. He had lied. The big fat lie. With the straightest face he had in himself. With the most nonchalant honesty he could feign. But he couldn't live with it. He would never be at peace. And he did not have the courage to come clean because it would mess up the one good thing that happened to him in life. He couldn't live with her shattered expression for the rest of his life. He was selfish. A selfish coward. So he took the option. Yes it pinched his morals a wee bit. But it was worth it. He created other reasons. So she would leave on her own. Reasons completely different from that one lie. He would fool himself into believing she had other reasons. And he would brilliantly escape the guilt. Like with all genius plots this one had a major flaw too. He was now lying to himself. And its a lie that's caught not once and not twice in your head but every single waking moment of your life. The big fat lie would have passed the baton.

OR so she thought. 
She had a vivid imagination, almost to the extent of being dangerous. Life is fucked up. She was a little more fucked up than that.

Just Because.

I will not say to you,

what needs to be said.

I will not belittle it,

with a clichéd whack job of some words,

spewed out like an unapologetic stamp,

of one’s feelings on another.

I will not betray it,

with the false security

of expectations.

I am not confused.

I am not out of words.

I just don’t know what to say or how.

Because what I want to say to you, has not been said before.

The Difference between quitting and letting go..

Spent

Till the sun pours

Out from the iron grills of my window

Onto your beautiful skin,

Till my heart dashes and races

And skips several beats before

it runs out of breath,

Till my eyes tire

And finally manage to leave

Your face,

Let me not miss one more bit of you

Let me be spent on you

And make a beautiful vulgar poetry out of this.

And repeat.

Note to self - Part 3

Some days you will find yourself talking back to that tired face in the mirror. When it will become difficult to believe that those red haunted eyes staring back are yours. And those days you will know that you have been tested. And that you are alone in this. And that's when you will know that in those testing times, you gotta have your own back. That you have to be the hero in your story. And that you will not wait to be saved. You will splash your face with ice cold water, and slap yourself back into reality. You will not fall into the trap of self destruction. You will not let anyone else destroy who you are. It is your own duty to clear the mess and be okay. You have no choice but to be okay. No one else can and will do it for you.