A First

Sad and alone,
This year I couldn’t make it home.
I hear the sounds and wish even more,
Just somehow you would knock my door.

Lights galore and a festival,
But my heart is dark and dismal,
So hard, thought it was not,
Just know, I miss you a lot.

Wishing upon every star,
that next time you won’t be far,
An empty room, when you see,
Won’t you but don't you miss me!

We’ll both pray- the same prayer,
A smile on your face is all I care,
Go fill your life with light and glee,
May you have the best Diwali.

Miss you Ma, Pa, Alloo, Di!
Have a bright, colourful, lively, happy and a safe Diwali!

Update: I had a patakha Diwali :) Thanks to all who made it special.

At my most beautiful

Friendly solitude; A dream stupefied, Another awakened; A faith re-instated; Wishes fulfilled; Hearts unburdened, some; Amidst Fears; Happy moments; Heaven and back; Time well spent.

The word happiness is so overstated and the word beauty is so underplayed.
Happiness is not perennial. It has its moments. You know those little ones. The ones you remember and smile to yourself about. There is your pot of happiness. It is not a potion you drink and be happy forever. If someone asked me if I was happy in my life, I would just say I have my moments.

If everything is beautiful, then what is that which is actually beautiful? I think beautiful as a word has been overly hackneyed. Beautiful is a girl, a lampshade, a toenail, a job well done, sunny weather, a good heart, a thought, a feeling and what not. So what is the word for something that mesmerizes you - gives you that momentary nirvana and just takes you away. (No, Im not talking about the three letter word that your Mommy told you not to say)Do you just say “Now that’s beautiful???!!!” I don’t think so. It's something else.

Quite an eventful year so far. More than my facebook pictures say, trust me. I have always liked Ayn Rand, among other things, for the ‘May you live in interesting times’, bit. It makes life worth living. Its so funny, you know, in my blog, my rusty old personal journals and conversations, I have always talked so much about time ticking away, escaping from us like we were after it. I almost feel like it’s related to my past life- not even sure if I believe in it- just trying to explain a thus far unexplained thing about myself. As a kid, I would cry for an hour if my mom woke me up 15 minutes late because I thought it was such a waste of time. Even today, every Saturday/Sunday I wake up earlier than most days because I feel I need to make the most of those two blessed days. These last few days have been busy at work and otherwise. I enjoyed the work, and loved every moment of what was spent away from it. A time well spent it was.

I feel like myself again, though I do feel a bit roughed out relative to the prior shrill edges I boasted of. And yes, I am not sure if we had or are going to have more lives-but if we are, I promise that if time runs out in this one, I will make it upto you in the next one.

Yours truly,
At my most ‘beautiful’.
Remember the word is underplayed.

Survival

I can feel it now.
The emptyness. The black hole.
Sucking me into it.
Eating me alive.

Survive I will.
For what, I dont know.
I have forgotten the warmth of a heart,
The wetness of a tear, I know well.

A day,
When I know what I want to be.
And where I want be.
When I am me.

I long.
For clarity.
For that day.
For finding me.

Touch me.
Find me.
Keep me.
Take me away.

From feeling this feeling.
From having something that others would long to have.
From not wanting what I have.
From not being me.

On second thoughts,
I am alright.
I always have been.
I will be in the end.

Why do I end with a hope?
Why dont I give up?
Why do I keep fighting?
And yet I know it all comes full circle,
In this mirage of life.

The distances in kilometers we will cover,
I hope we cover the others too..

Dark

There is a dark side of me
that, through which you cannot see
it surfaces once in a while
good or bad its all mine
Dark is not bad
it is that you cannot see or understand
Like the moon that fades in daylight
and the sun that hides at night
there are times when I am dark
in my madness, my silence, or my one of many quirks

There is a dark side of you
that I fail to see through too
I am afraid of what I may find
that it may be beyond my hopeful mind
In your light I see myself
the dark confounds me
I cant fight it coz I dont know what it is
Do I make it mine?
and lose myself while I am at it
Dont you see its too dark for me
I really really want to but I cannot see..

There's strength within us
that we seldom know of
the desire to break free
the will to be
that makes you dare
The dark side gets you there..